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The Holiday Show
2008 Christmas Short Story by RL Williams


(The lights dim and an energetic comedian takes the club stage)

“Thank you ladies and gentlemen for coming out tonight to see the show. It’s Christmas Eve and those of us who don’t like egg nog have nowhere else to go.”

“Egg nog, what a creation that is. Personally, it’s only one step up from fruitcake.”

“Fruitcake, now that’s another bizarre development in our evolution. There’s nothing more depressing than getting a fruitcake in the mail. You get a package and are eagerly anticipating some cool gift. You open it and sigh with disappointment when you see a fruitcake. Have you ever known anyone who opened a package with a fruitcake who jumped for joy? People have to mail fruitcakes because no one in their right mind will actually buy one in a store and take it home to eat.”

“I mailed a fruit cake once. You know when they ask you at the post office if there is anything liquid, fragile, or hazardous in your package? I had to tell the truth and admit there was something hazardous in the box, a fruitcake. Then the clerk asked if I wanted insurance against loss or damage on the package. I said ‘are you kidding? There’s no way you can damage a fruit cake and if it gets lost in the mail that will probably be a blessing.’”

“What’s the deal with mistletoe? What is this mistletoe kissing tradition about? Is it optional? Do you only have to kiss someone if you like the way they look? What exactly are the rules? There should be a federal regulation requiring each mistletoe sold to come with a rules poster for the buyer to put up wherever mistletoe is hung. That way, awkward moments would be cut to a minimum. If you kiss someone you wanted to kiss but weren’t supposed to kiss, simply say ‘sorry, I didn’t know the rules.’ If you are not supposed to kiss someone who you don’t want to kiss and that someone is expecting a kiss, you say ‘sorry, the rules say I can’t.’ Whatever happens you are covered.”

“Christmas presents, there’s a real quagmire. What to buy, who to buy for, and how much to spend. All those useless little gadgets that they sell on those tables in the department store aisles at Christmas time. Nobody actually uses them. Thank goodness for eBay. You can sell that useless junk you get for Christmas on eBay and then turn around and buy other useless junk to give away next year.”

“Some people exchange lists of what they want for Christmas. On the surface this may seem like a good idea. But it’s not. I was once part of a Christmas gift-list group and one person had ‘anything Alabama’ on her list. So, I gave her a nice travel book about Alabama. Really nice with pictures and things. She looked at it and was immediately puzzled and disappointed. Turns out she wanted anything by the rock music group Alabama.”

“Let us not forget the traditional Christmas stocking which is a true blessing. Here you can get rid of all the small cheap leftovers and you don’t even have to wrap them. Just stuff them and forget them.”

“Seriously folks, as far as gifts go there is so much to choose from. There was the Pet Rock, Kermit the Frog and Tickle Me Elmo. Today we have flying helicopters, an intelligent robotic talking puppy and the Nintendo Wii electronic games.”

“Have you heard about those Nintendo Wii games? That’s the one you can never seem to find. A store may only get a few to sell and they are always gone by the time you get to the store. Evidently, there are only three people in the world who are putting these things together in a small hut overseas. You would think someone at Nintendo would realize, ‘hey, the stores keep selling out of these things so maybe we should make more.’ They should hire that potato chip company who had the adverting slogan that said: ‘Go ahead and eat all you want. We will make more.’”

“Even the lottery is getting in on the Christmas gift action. Have you seen the new scratch off gift tickets for the holidays? They have names like Winner Wonderland, Merry Money, and Jolly Holiday Bucks … and there are those who say Christmas is too commercial. I see it as a no-win situation though. Since most of the tickets are losers the person you give a scratch ticket to will scratch it off and win nothing. That’s like giving someone a gift that doesn’t work and what’s even worse, they can’t return or exchange it.”

“Christmas decorations, now that’s an area which has really incorporated the latest technology. 3-D holographic floating wreaths, super-duper LED Santa Claus roller coaster lawn displays, and huge front yard blow-up snow globes complete with built-in blizzards. Wow, you can’t get any more Christmassy than that. All we need now is a red and green laser lit lawn ornament Christmas tree with the words: ‘Don’t laugh, it’s paid for.’”

“Speaking of paid for, with today’s economy, about the only home many people can afford is a gingerbread house. At least you could eat it before it is foreclosed. When the bank shows up to take the house, tell them ‘we had a neighborhood party and ate it.’ What can the bank do?”

“Well, that’s it for me. I’m off to a family get-together for a nice cup of egg nog and a piece of fruitcake. As for gifts, it will be kazoos all around …”


***

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays



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©copyright 2008 RL Williams Jacksonville FL